A Little Perspective

I have spent the better part of the past several months wallowing. Not every day certainly, but I am embarrassed to admit that as I reflect on my attitude lately it has been less than optimistic. I have frequently been told that I am a very self aware individual, to which point I agree, but doesn’t that make my poor outlook even more inexcusable? Or perhaps this is just another case of me holding myself to higher standards than I do of those around me? As in many aspects of my life I am highly over analytical, very few things are black and white to me. I question, argue and analyze most everything in my life – right down to the food I put in my mouth and clothes I wear on my back. I am constantly in some sort of reevaluation of some element in my life; my job, my finances, my appearance, my relationships, my goals and aspirations, and – and – and. I truly find this to be a valuable tool, but perhaps I take it too far too often. Perhaps I need a little perspective.

I am slowly approaching the age where I have been in the real live, “grown up” workplace for just long enough to feel a real sense of complacency; “what is it that I do everyday?” “How do I find value in my work, is it meaningful to me?” and maybe most importantly, “is it a positive step in the direction I want to go?” All good questions, but as of late I have found myself reeling over these questions from about 8:15 to 5:30 Monday through Friday and let me tell you, it has taken its toll. I have effectively played enough mind games with myself to be almost fully convinced I am unhappy and that this can’t possibly be what I should be doing with my life. Now I am not sure if you have ever met any of my immediate family members, but once we get an idea in our heads – you would be hard pressed to convince us otherwise. Stubborn, hard-headed, irrational and unbelievably critical might be a few head terms you could use to describe us. And sitting here this morning I can finally admit that I have been my worst enemy these past months.

To be fair, I do think I need a change – something isn’t right, be it the environment, the industry, or the discipline - but how about I remind myself with just as much effort as it took to get me in this rut that I am only 25 years old and do have a really great job right now. I am frustrated and feel stuck no doubt, but unquestionably there are positive aspects of my current situation I should be putting more emphasis on.

So what am I going to do, what is my plan – I have so many of them, I may soon need a secretary. Perhaps I should write myself a mantra – one that comes only from me and speaks solely to me. I am blessed and I am able and only I can change my situation. Maybe I just wrote it? Or maybe I take a queue from a colleague of mine who eloquently stated the other evening that, “this may sound weird but I really believe I could do anything.” Beautiful. True. And you know what, even if it isn’t entirely true – you can’t do anything if you don’t try.

Perspective. About two months ago I opened an email to find out my cousin has aggressive breast cancer and would be having a mastectomy that day, she will need treatment for a minimum of a year and will begin a struggle like no other. Less than three weeks ago, an unfathomably destructive earthquake erupted on Haiti’s forefront, displacing millions, claiming hundreds of thousands of lives and irreversibly changing the fate of Haitian’s for generations to come. A couple weeks ago a Hugo man took the life of his pregnant wife and then himself in the presence of their four year old son, who will now grow up parentless and will likely never understand why. And this morning a friend of the family holds tightly to the hand of her boyfriend while he lay still in a medically induced coma.

Tragedy is an ever present reality in our lives and to constantly dwell on those injustices would be incredibly self destructive to our mentality - yet in the same breath may very well be there as a means of keeping us grounded, to grant us a bit of perspective.

As I sit here and verbally give myself a public pep talk, with a small side of scolding, I remember that I am human too and bad days will come. I have been told my entire life that only you can change your attitude – a very true sentiment – but there will be days that may still win the optimism battle. However, I am making a promise to myself today that I will try to recharge my batteries, wipe the slate clean and look for the good in my situation while I attempt to find the path that feels right to me.

I would be first to admit that not everyone feels this way about their lives currently, but I do know for a fact that at one point or another just about everybody feels this kind of conviction and finds themselves approaching a crossroads. I challenge you to feel that frustration, to even mull over it but to then analyze it (to a healthy degree of course) and decide how you will change it. One small step at a time. And that first step may very well be gaining a little perspective.