When We Are Our Own Worst Enemy

Before I even begin, I must first acknowledge that this first published blog in nearly 11 months – I am ashamed – okay I am being a tad dramatic (weird I know) but I am not proud of myself by any stretch of the imagination. I pride myself on being self aware and often jump up on my soapbox to preach about going after what you want most in life, yet when the microscope is pointed back at me- my short comings on the path to self discovery are glaringly present.

What do I want? Now if that isn’t a loaded question I don’t know what is – partially because my last name rhymes with Shmennedy in which my natural instinct is to make even the simplest of questions more difficult – but also because it is tough question to answer in a concise way. Not to mention the fact that what we want will likely continue to evolve as we age - then of course there are the tangible and intangible wants – and so I digress…..

SO..What DO I want? I want to be a successful writer, I want to write a screenplay with my sisters, I want to run a marathon someday, I want to travel the world, I think I want to be a wife and mother when the time is right, I want to play the piano well, I want to speak Italian fluently, I want to have a food and wine blog, I want to learn to ballroom dance, I want to be an artist, I want to live a life full of love, laughter, substance and purpose. If you can pick up what I am putting down…I want a lot of things – and this is short laundry list. The intent of this entry however was not to point out that I am arguably an overly ambitious/slightly narcotic member of society but to prove that the bulk of the “wants” I have listed above are within in my control to achieve. So why then, are there still so many on my list? Because I am as they say, my own worst enemy. We are all quick to rattle of our wish lists and then have the audacity to throw a fit when they don’t magically fall into our laps. Most things in this life worth a damn require effort.

The point that I haven’t blogged in nearly 11 months is a prime example of me getting in my own way. Didn’t I say that I want to be a writer? Last I checked editors weren’t knocking on doors asking if there was a member of the house who had a burning desire to write, if you have heard of the phenomenon – than please do share, but as far as I know – this does not exist. So – why am I not making it a priority? Sure I have been busy but I find time to do other things – shouldn’t I find time to hone my craft as well? I want to run a marathon? Then why haven’t I? I want to have a food and wine blog? Then why don’t I – or at the very least why don’t I maintain the one I started! Somewhere between time, priorities and emotional hang ups you can find the answers to those questions.

Since my last entry (eons ago) I have been given the opportunity to enter a new career in the Wine and Spirits industry, it is seemingly a leap in the right direction to so many of my ‘wants’ and I am truly grateful. When people ask me how I found this job, I say that in the middle of my belly aching about my then complacecy that someone heard me. My mentor for a lack of a better term happened be dating someone in the field and voila – I had the in. It is important for me to celebrate this victory as it only validates my thesis, that you need to be willing to do the work to reach the outcome, for as Carol Burnette said, “no one can change your life for you.”

Beyond the sense of accomplishment you feel from reaching a particular goal, it also contributes to your overall sense of worth and in my case helps ease the buzz of anxiety in my ear asking me if I am truly happy. Life is busy, family is chaotic, money is tight, schedules are impossible, goals can be intimidating, excuses are easy to come by - but if you have a list of wants in one hand do a bit of self inventory to see how you might be standing in your own way. Slowly begin to break down the barriers to your ‘wants’ and you might just surprise yourself. Make your goals a priority, decide that you will do everything in your power to accomplish those goals. The simple act of making this entry will no doubt help me sleep better tonight knowing I am at the very least working towards my goal. What do you want – and how will you make it happen?

A Little Perspective

I have spent the better part of the past several months wallowing. Not every day certainly, but I am embarrassed to admit that as I reflect on my attitude lately it has been less than optimistic. I have frequently been told that I am a very self aware individual, to which point I agree, but doesn’t that make my poor outlook even more inexcusable? Or perhaps this is just another case of me holding myself to higher standards than I do of those around me? As in many aspects of my life I am highly over analytical, very few things are black and white to me. I question, argue and analyze most everything in my life – right down to the food I put in my mouth and clothes I wear on my back. I am constantly in some sort of reevaluation of some element in my life; my job, my finances, my appearance, my relationships, my goals and aspirations, and – and – and. I truly find this to be a valuable tool, but perhaps I take it too far too often. Perhaps I need a little perspective.

I am slowly approaching the age where I have been in the real live, “grown up” workplace for just long enough to feel a real sense of complacency; “what is it that I do everyday?” “How do I find value in my work, is it meaningful to me?” and maybe most importantly, “is it a positive step in the direction I want to go?” All good questions, but as of late I have found myself reeling over these questions from about 8:15 to 5:30 Monday through Friday and let me tell you, it has taken its toll. I have effectively played enough mind games with myself to be almost fully convinced I am unhappy and that this can’t possibly be what I should be doing with my life. Now I am not sure if you have ever met any of my immediate family members, but once we get an idea in our heads – you would be hard pressed to convince us otherwise. Stubborn, hard-headed, irrational and unbelievably critical might be a few head terms you could use to describe us. And sitting here this morning I can finally admit that I have been my worst enemy these past months.

To be fair, I do think I need a change – something isn’t right, be it the environment, the industry, or the discipline - but how about I remind myself with just as much effort as it took to get me in this rut that I am only 25 years old and do have a really great job right now. I am frustrated and feel stuck no doubt, but unquestionably there are positive aspects of my current situation I should be putting more emphasis on.

So what am I going to do, what is my plan – I have so many of them, I may soon need a secretary. Perhaps I should write myself a mantra – one that comes only from me and speaks solely to me. I am blessed and I am able and only I can change my situation. Maybe I just wrote it? Or maybe I take a queue from a colleague of mine who eloquently stated the other evening that, “this may sound weird but I really believe I could do anything.” Beautiful. True. And you know what, even if it isn’t entirely true – you can’t do anything if you don’t try.

Perspective. About two months ago I opened an email to find out my cousin has aggressive breast cancer and would be having a mastectomy that day, she will need treatment for a minimum of a year and will begin a struggle like no other. Less than three weeks ago, an unfathomably destructive earthquake erupted on Haiti’s forefront, displacing millions, claiming hundreds of thousands of lives and irreversibly changing the fate of Haitian’s for generations to come. A couple weeks ago a Hugo man took the life of his pregnant wife and then himself in the presence of their four year old son, who will now grow up parentless and will likely never understand why. And this morning a friend of the family holds tightly to the hand of her boyfriend while he lay still in a medically induced coma.

Tragedy is an ever present reality in our lives and to constantly dwell on those injustices would be incredibly self destructive to our mentality - yet in the same breath may very well be there as a means of keeping us grounded, to grant us a bit of perspective.

As I sit here and verbally give myself a public pep talk, with a small side of scolding, I remember that I am human too and bad days will come. I have been told my entire life that only you can change your attitude – a very true sentiment – but there will be days that may still win the optimism battle. However, I am making a promise to myself today that I will try to recharge my batteries, wipe the slate clean and look for the good in my situation while I attempt to find the path that feels right to me.

I would be first to admit that not everyone feels this way about their lives currently, but I do know for a fact that at one point or another just about everybody feels this kind of conviction and finds themselves approaching a crossroads. I challenge you to feel that frustration, to even mull over it but to then analyze it (to a healthy degree of course) and decide how you will change it. One small step at a time. And that first step may very well be gaining a little perspective.

Daily Inspiration

You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.

- Christopher Robin to Pooh

Resolutions: It is afterall a New Year.

Today is January 1, 2010, the first day of a “new year”. Depending on a variety of factors from budget and temperature to romantic status you celebrated New Year’s Eve; be it a swanky (and likely overpriced) party downtown, an all you can drink “meal ticket” at a local bar, a house party or snuggling up to loved ones at home, you joined the greater population in jubilation of the new year to come. I am one of the calloused who finds this holiday to be a bit over dramatized and one which typically fails to deliver on all the fun you set out to have. This could very well be because I live in Minnesota, the frozen tundra of the world, and so making plans on a December evening which will likely include a small dress tends to greatly limit your options. Secondly and even more obvious is the Valentine’s Day appearance NYE seems to harbor. There are few things more depressing than having no one to kiss at midnight when surely everyone around you does. Of course some would argue that a NYE kiss does not need to be a romantic one, but when you’ve had so few of those in her time – my quota for friendly embraces has far been surpassed. Now beyond what may seem to be a perfectly bahumbug outlook on such a joyous event, I am not as angry as I might initially come off. I enjoy a good reason to drink wine, eat appetizers, to dress up, laugh and party with loved ones as much as the next person - I just have a fairly particular bone to pick with this holiday; resolutions made only for New Years.

Jumping on the computer today I am bombarded with messages to “Make 2010 the year you keep your NY resolutions.” I agree that the mentality of resolutions is profound and undeniably important, but reserving them for one day of the year seems counterintuitive to me. It would suggest that we spend the other 364 days of the year focusing on a plan we made on Jan 1 alone, but shouldn’t this be an exercise we perform on a daily basis? And furthermore what significance does January 1 hold? Who decided that this would be the start of a new year anyways and why do we even need a new year, or to calculate the passing of time at all? Clearly I am starting to sound like a rambling fool but all I mean to point out in my rapidly expanding run on sentence is that we need to make the effort for resolutions on a daily basis, because as they say life is short and there may not be a tomorrow.

I, like so many others, used New Year’s Eve as a jumping off point so many times. In fact it was exactly ten years ago to the day that I began my weight loss journey (perhaps battle would be a more accurate description?). Amazing to me that I have spent the past 3642 days of my life making a daily resolution to improve myself physically – it has been a very long and trying road and one better reserved for an entirely different entry but a clear example of how NYE made a real and lasting impact on my life. Certainly change can be prompted by a new year’s resolution. Yet somehow over the years as I have watched loved ones lose battles to disease, made impossible goodbyes, learned of wars and seen pain and hurt around me, I have come to the realization that I need to wake up every day with the perspective that I can affectively change my circumstance.

Human nature dictates that we will always want. Even with clothes on our backs, air in our lungs and food in our bellies, we cannot help ourselves but hope to change ourselves, improve our situation, to acquire new knowledge, skills and reach any number of intangible goals. But why wait for Monday to start a diet? Who says that you need to have a rockin bod to sport a two piece at the beach? And when do we think that this “time” we all speak of will magically fall into our laps to learn a new language, go back to school, travel more, smoke less, love more, hate less, to right wrongs, to catch up with old friends? The list goes on and on. “Carpe Diem” “No day but today”. If you want it, desire it, hope for it – make it happen – today. And each morning you are blessed enough to open your eyes - take a deep breath into your lungs and remind yourself of those resolutions.