It is amazing how at the ripe old age of 24, I have already begun to collect battle wound. And to that end, have been around the block and on the road to recovery. Insert here the most recent occurrence which sparked this entry. A friend of mine (for lack of a better word) and who shall remain nameless decided to move away from Minneapolis, by no means a heart wrenching situation – merely fact. This person has seen me at my absolute lowest – ‘my formative’ college years if you will. To say that I had a rough year or so would be a grave understatement. And this individual was a member of the peanut gallery to the live performance of “Erin: Wasted and Downward-spiraling.” Fortunately however I had been able to salvage some type of reputable status with this person in the years since the “depression”. Yet upon his decision to move and throw a going away part, I was casually left of the invite list? Now the average, un-calloused person might simply chalk this up as pure human error, “he forgot”, “boys aren’t the best party planners after all” one [female] might point out? But this wasn’t the reaction I had. An instant wave of nausea crashed over my entire body and the all too familiar crimson stained my cheeks as my reality set in, “this is because of who I used to be – I am being punished for being a complete mess four years ago.” Insert complete hysterics and irrational thoughts. In the end I was welcomed to come, so I suppose we can in fact chalk this one up as an error in party planning?
Albeit this “situation” passed with less self loathing than I had initially thought – but it still causes me to ponder whether or not you can ever fully escape your past? Does an adulterous couple ever truly forget the pain – is true trust ever fully restored? Can hurtful words and actions really be “stricken” from the victim’s record? Forgive, perhaps? Forget, arguable. Perhaps I am merely a nay sayer – but no matter how much time may pass, the initial hurt and pain will always be there; it may become dormant for a time but the moment something reminiscent to the initial situation arises, emotional flood gates are opened again and you can literally taste the disdain on your tongue, like fresh paint – it is like no time has passed at all! Ironic how easily you forget the names of chemical elements, past teacher’s names, historical facts and just about anything related to calculus but when it comes to an event tied to emotion of any kind, you can likely recall the exact outfit you were wearing? What I would give just about anything to forget that year and a half of my life, to wipe the slate clean – to not feel that I ultimately I will be eternally held accountable for the choices I made during that time. I literally cringe when I think back to some of those days. Yet it seems I will never fully forget that feeling? How different I might be if all I had instead retained the kindnesses done to me during that time, the positive effects I might have bestowed upon mere strangers or the compliments I was paid.
Whether they are painful or joyous; incredible how our memory retains such detail when such events happen. Perhaps teachers need to begin inflicting pain or passing out 50 dollar bills during lecture and their students my actually have a chance of remembering it.
Albeit this “situation” passed with less self loathing than I had initially thought – but it still causes me to ponder whether or not you can ever fully escape your past? Does an adulterous couple ever truly forget the pain – is true trust ever fully restored? Can hurtful words and actions really be “stricken” from the victim’s record? Forgive, perhaps? Forget, arguable. Perhaps I am merely a nay sayer – but no matter how much time may pass, the initial hurt and pain will always be there; it may become dormant for a time but the moment something reminiscent to the initial situation arises, emotional flood gates are opened again and you can literally taste the disdain on your tongue, like fresh paint – it is like no time has passed at all! Ironic how easily you forget the names of chemical elements, past teacher’s names, historical facts and just about anything related to calculus but when it comes to an event tied to emotion of any kind, you can likely recall the exact outfit you were wearing? What I would give just about anything to forget that year and a half of my life, to wipe the slate clean – to not feel that I ultimately I will be eternally held accountable for the choices I made during that time. I literally cringe when I think back to some of those days. Yet it seems I will never fully forget that feeling? How different I might be if all I had instead retained the kindnesses done to me during that time, the positive effects I might have bestowed upon mere strangers or the compliments I was paid.
Whether they are painful or joyous; incredible how our memory retains such detail when such events happen. Perhaps teachers need to begin inflicting pain or passing out 50 dollar bills during lecture and their students my actually have a chance of remembering it.